Transition

All my life, I found myself stick to an introverted nature. The quiet girl who doesn’t speak much and comes off as rather uninterested. Face buried in her book or her phone, the earphones making sure no one even bothers to hit her up. 

That’s not quite the case anymore. 

I believe, I have come to a certain point in my life where I find myself betraying my one true nature. My laugh has become a lot more louder lately. My comments have become a lot more harsh and the aloof girl is not so aloof anymore. 

I have started enjoying others’ company more than I ever did before. I have started to blend in random conversations. (Most importantly, willingly)

Does that happen to everyone? Is it just a phase? Am I finally breaking free from the barriers I had bound myself within all my life? 

An Open Letter To The One

1:08 am, 23rd August 2017

To the love of my life,
I long to spend a hundred rainy nights like this one, with you. For I have spent a thousand lonely nights, with the sounds of rain and lightening setting a subtle mood as I seek refuge with my solitude. Sad novels are the only thing that keeps me company on nights like these. I can remember a few more, where it’d be just me, the rain, and a book.
I wait for the day it wouldn’t be like this anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy this luxury as it is. But nothing will please me more than enjoying this luxury in your arms.

If you’re away, I would probably spend the night worrying about whether you’re safely home or not. Can’t bring any good, being out on a crazy night like this. Once I’m sure you’re safe, I’d spent the rest of the night telling you how much I actually love the rain. How it grows flowers in the dead soil of my heart. Although, once the lonliness starts to sink in– those flowers tend to wilt and cease to blossom eventually.

It’s been a lonely journey. Reaching out to you. All my life, I’ve been on my own. Which is not to say I haven’t been infatuated with a couple of guys that I thought could be you. It hasn’t been easy, finding you. The amount of calculations and observations I had to make, just to get to you… Little did I know, I’d never need any of those when I finally meet you. Because you’ll be the one, and my heart will know.

I really hope you are the one. And the only. For i, am an old fashioned hopeless romantic who’d never want to move from a guy to the next. I’ll be yours and you’ll be mine. And i just cannot wait to belong to you. I’m sure you’re busy with some girl you think it’s going to last with. But God has interwined our fates together. I can’t complain. I’ll make sure you don’t, either. You see, the amount of love I have for you makes me overwhelmed. You do realise, all this time, all this love, have never been poured upon anyone, right? It’s been here,safe, unseen and untouched, only for you to discover.

Whether it be striking your soft hair or making fun of the way your eyes look when you wake up after a nap, i promise to put all my heart it everything I do for you. Whether it be tracing every inch of your skin with my fingertips or just lazily playing with your hands which by the way has the longest fingers!

Your masculinity will forever intimidate me. Because I have never been with a man before like I’ll be with you. I’m the girl who was raised in her father’s arms- strong, heavy and manly. The arms i long to be in, since over a decade. Your embrace will take me back to the most safest place I once knew; my father’s arms. Your manly scent mixed with a traces of cigarettes will make me even more sadder. Because it will continue to remind me of my father. But you’ll take my sadness away. Oh, I know you will. When you cuddle me in and give me that tight hug.. Which will take all of my pain away.

I can’t wait to read the most saddest of poetry to you. I can’t wait to tell you which parts hurt the most and which parts made me ponder. Even though you’ll get a little bored, but I’ll somehow keep you indulged. There’s nothing i would love more than reading to you.

And when I can’t sleep at night, you can hum me a few songs. Our favorites songs. Songs we have long forgotten, songs of our childhood, perhaps. I’ll let the nostalgia take me to the past as I fall asleep listening to your beautiful voice. That voice of yours is what I’ll live for, day and night. I’m sorry If I’ll creep you out when I record it. I just will never want to miss your voice.

Even though I’m totally against working for someone else, I’ll do anything for you.. out of love. Yes, I’ll even iron your clothes. Anyone who knows me know how I hate ironing. The stupid creases and everything. Sigh. I’ll happily do it for you, but I’ll let you know I’m not very good at it. You’ll have to redo it, eventually.
I’ll even make your favorite meals for you, most days.
I’ll make sure your family loves me like one of their own. I know well how to make home in peoples’ hearts. I promise, they’ll love me. And you will love me. You will love every little thing I do for you, because that’s exactly I intend for you to do. 

Now, I really don’t have a figure in my mind as I write this. So you see, I’m kind of shooting in the dark right now. I just hope you’re not of those people who hate Harry Potter. Also, I’d love for you to be a GoT watcher. We could discuss all those theories together all night. Most of all, I pray, you share the same taste in music as mine. Oh god, music is so important. Please love the songs I have grown to love all these years, the rhythms that depress me, the beats that make me kick off my shoes and dance away, the lyrics which pull certain strings of my heart as I dedicate them to you.
Please be a friend to me, before you’re a lover. I can’t imagine you not being my best friend. As you’re very likely to have heard before, I’m not girlfriend material exactly. An exceptionally good friend is all I have been all my life. Let me be that to you, and be the same to me. Together, let this beautiful friendship bloom into something neither of us had seen coming. Something that runs so deep, it touches the roots of our core. Let me and my love for you be the most realest thing that ever happened to you.
It’s a cliche, but I like it when I tell you I intend to be the last girl you fall in love with. Naturally, I can’t be the first one since it has taken me decades to finally meet you. Let’s just pray the time is right, when we finally meet. I’d hate nothing more than losing you due to bad timing.

See you soon, my love.
Yours truly
 Never Been Loved

It’s Time To Fall Back In Love With Yourself

apricotberlin

It’s time to take your love back from those who hurt you; from those who never understood how to protect someone who cared as deeply as you did. It’s time to take those pieces, the shards of heart and hope, from the hands of those who do not deserve to hold them any longer. It…

via It’s Time To Fall Back In Love With Yourself — Thought Catalog

motherspreciousgemsI want you to remember the good parts. The parts that felt like they would never end. Those were the parts I’ve always held onto.And I hope you hold onto them too. I hope you remember the first time we kissed. My legs were shaking, and my lips were trembling. But I remember not being scared…

via This Is How I Want You To Remember Me — Thought Catalog

Addiction & Rehab

Can you tell me what’s more beautiful than being addicted to someone who is addicted right back to you? Can you tell me what’s more comforting than a ‘goodnight’ and a ‘goodmorning’  from someone you can’t stop thinking about? Can you tell me what’s more satisfying than loving someone who loves you back?

 

Well, that’s all hearts and roses. But what if that’s not the case? What if you are holding on to someone who doesn’t even want to breathe in your direction? What if the person you long for, longs for someone else? Or, what if the person you loved and who loved you back decides that it can’t work anymore?

 

Attachment is a terrible thing. It is also the most beautiful thing there is. Love is nothing without attachment. They tell you that love hurts, but that’s not true. Love is absolute. Attachment however, isn’t. Love hurts because the person you are so much attached to, the person who’s your raw addiction,  stops reciprocating.

In every relationship or even in friends, there is one person who is more attached to the other. And that sucks, because when they have a change of mind or heart, you’re just stuck. Stuck there, immobile. You don’t know how to deal with it. You don’t know where to pour all the feelings you have inside you because that one person who was supposed to hear you out and listen to you just isn’t available.

 

What do you do? You’re an addict and you can’t find your drug. It’s just gone but you need it so much, it’s killing every part of you. It’s suffocating you, it’s burning you alive. But what can you do? There’s nothing you can do to satisfy that need, nothing except wait. Trust me when I say this, but the first day without them is the hardest. The others aren’t much easier, but a little less horrible than yesterday.

 

You just have to hang in there, you have to make sure you make it through without breaking apart. Even if you do, it’s okay. You can fall right back  and take a fresh start. Because time is like magic. It heals you up, every time. It does. As the time goes on, you’ll feel it doesn’t hurt anymore, you’re used to it and it’s nothing you can’t take. That pain has become a part of you and may be that’s the reason you don’t feel it anymore. You’re numb. You’re blue. It’s there. Even though a lot of time has passed and it’s been a while you’ve cried or missed them but the hell that was broken upon you is still there. In your vacant eyes and fake smiles, in your pale face and in your scarred limbs.

Now what? You’ve gone through the hardest part. Now it’s time to wash away all the sorrows of yesterday and turn a new leaf. Slowly, you’ll find you can smile again. You’ll sleep properly again. Your wrist might still have that cut but you don’t feel like cutting it off. Like a flower bud, you’ll bloom again. But it’s a slow process. You feel alright, but not exactly like before. Please, trust me when I tell you this that one day you will feel like before, even better. Just wait for that day, it’s worth everything.

The unbreakable soul!

Hello

This is my first post. I am here to vent and rant.

“Hello”

“Hey”

“Hi”

Do you ever wonder how many times you use these words every day? They’re routine, right? But for some people, people like me, they’re the hardest part of my ‘routine’.

I googled ‘Introvert’ and it gave me, ‘a shy, reticent person’.

It also gave me the following-

:

reserved, withdrawn, introverted, restrained, inhibited, diffident, shy,modest, unassuming, shrinking, distant, undemonstrative, wouldn’t say boo to a goose; uncommunicative, unforthcoming, unresponsive, tight-lipped, close-mouthed, close-lipped, quiet, taciturn, silent, guarded,secretive, private, playing one’s cards close to one’s chest;

Well, that’s definitely me. I’m an introvert I think excessively. I don’t talk much. I’m bad with small talk and I hate it to death. Books are my paradise, words are my voice. I am a very much private person, i have numerous walls and layers around my heart which seems almost impossible for anyone on this planet to break down. I overthink a lot. I observe everything. I take mental pictures of someone’s smile or the brown of their eyes and how breathtaking they look under sunlight and of the way people look at the people they are in love with and of the moon and of the perfect bokeh produced by the traffic signals and the cars’ headlights when i’m not wearing my glasses.

I feel every person i meet has a history with me, even nothing worth remembering but there is always something I remember about everyone. It’s a trait, i guess. I am fond of keeping memories safe in the microprocessor of my brain. I read people and their actions.

I need my space. I need to be completely comfortable around someone in order to talk to them. I don’t let people in, you see. Only if they try hard enough to break those walls. I can’t help it. And it’s been a while someone has made an effort for me, it’s been a while no one has come along and I am doing perfectly fine all by myself but I am just a little afraid, I don’t want to be concrete. I don’t want to be cold or feeling-less.